Researchers Puzzled: No Male Violence without Men?
August 5, 2015
Hart, MI—A spokesperson for Researchers Against Bad Things (RABT) announced a puzzling observation drawn from their data: without men, there is no male violence.
Jillian North, head of the RABT (affectionately pronounced “rabbit”) project, explains, “We are hesitant to release these findings. Keep in mind that correlation does not equal causality. But the correlations have just gotten stronger and stronger with every data point.”
“Like, 100 percent,” adds Crystal Learner, North’s field assistant.
For the last forty years, North and her research crew have been studying the occurrence of Bad Things at one location: the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival. By coincidence, it turns out to be the only place on the planet where there are no men.
“And no Bad Things have happened,” North explains, her voice betraying her amazement. “No violence, no fights. We know this because there have been no reports of gunshot wounds, stabbings, beatings, no grievous bodily harm of any kind.”
“No mass shootings,” Learner reminds her.
“Right, no murders or even suspicious deaths,” North says, shaking her head. “There’s been no sexual abuse of children. In fact, when we looked more closely, there wasn’t even any childhood hunger. It’s almost as if… when women are in charge, children get fed.”
“We extended our research even further,” North continues, pointing to a chart that covers one wall of her office. “There has been no ethnic cleansing and no wars. Not a single bomb has been dropped anywhere.”
She sits back in her chair, staring at the chart for answers.
There were more anomalous findings, though North is quick to caution against drawing conclusions. “There has been no public urination, no piles of dirty socks, no car chases, and no flies with their wings pulled off. No one died attempting to make fireworks by using a chainsaw to open a handgrenade, or from playing catch with rattlesnakes. And strangely, no one died of suffocation while dressed up like a school girl, with one end of a rubber hose affixed to his face and the other stuck up his rectum.”
“We don’t know what to make of it,” she shrugs. “I‘ve been studying this for forty years and I have no explanation. One hypothesis is that without men, there is no male violence. Another would be that somehow male violence only happens when men are present. Is it a chicken and egg thing?” North ponders.
“Or maybe,” Learner adds quietly, “the chicken crossed the road because the rooster was chasing her.”
Whatever the connection, the researchers of RABT assume more research is needed.
“Men can’t possibly be the cause of male violence. That would be too easy!” North laughs.
Coming Soon: Bev Jo Asks 25 Questions.